Roommate Resolution
Structured mediation for dish pile escalation, thermostat sabotage, and cursed shared fridge politics.
Total Problem Management
Problem solved. No mess. Just extremely polished nonsense.
We do not resolve conflict with violence. We resolve it with laminated forms, vague corporate language, and the aggressive scheduling of awkward follow-up calls.
- 99.4%Passive-aggressive closure rate
- 24/7Clipboard-based response window
- 0Actual crimes committed, obviously
Service Catalog
Tiered conflict solutions for modern inconvenience
Built for noisy roommates, HOA cold wars, mystery leaf-blower feuds, and anyone trapped in a group chat that should have ended in 2024.
Persistent Prank Remediation
We neutralize repeat prank energy with awkward accountability and premium eye contact.
Enterprise Chore Management
Escalation-ready chore charts for households operating with the dysfunction of a medium-sized startup.
Corporate Tone Interventions
We rewrite your angriest paragraph into something that still ruins a day, but legally.
Neighbor Detente Packages
Includes fence-line diplomacy, mower-hour treaties, and ceremonial side-eye reduction.
Brunch Table Ceasefires
For friend groups one mimosa away from a full social restructuring event.
Brand Standards
Trusted by suburban cul-de-sacs, suspicious office kitchens, and one very tense HOA.
Our visual system combines emergency purple, clipboard beige, and a level of fake professionalism that feels expensive enough to stop people from asking follow-up questions.
Discretion-first
Every field operative is anonymous, heavily blurred, and shockingly punctual.
Paperwork-forward
Nothing diffuses tension like a six-page intake packet and a callback window.
Comedy-certified
Entire operation presented as parody. If you are here for crime, you are deeply lost.
Meet The Team
Elite agents, all anonymous, all somehow available Tuesday at 2pm
Each specialist is trained in stern nodding, conflict posture, and saying “let’s circle back” with chilling precision.
A47
Agent 47
Specializes in roommate disputes and unexplained upper-management confidence.
T74
Agent 74
Known for rapid prank de-escalation and legendary clipboard deployment speed.
K12
Agent 12
Handles HOA trench warfare, decorative rock sabotage, and hostile herb gardens.
N79
Agent 79
Brings a diplomatic tone, a spare pen, and a deeply unsettling scheduling calendar.
Booking Intake
Submit your dispute for premium satirical analysis
Describe the nonsense, pick a severity level, and our fake strategy engine will produce a completely unnecessary action plan.
This site is parody content. No solicitation of harm, violence, or real-world wrongdoing is offered or accepted.
Swag Shop
Merch for people who prefer their jokes oddly well branded
Office Gear
Clipboard of Consequences
A rigid board for holding forms and silent judgment in equal measure.
$25Uniform
Corporate Polo Shirt
Ideal for de-escalation, team lunches, and bizarrely formal neighborhood interventions.
$35Survivor Line
"I survived remediation" Tee
Soft cotton, hard truth, and enough irony to alarm your relatives.
$29Client Quotes
Highly credible testimonials from people with excellent judgment and worse neighbors
A curated archive of glowing feedback from satisfied clients, emotionally exhausted brunch groups, and several customers who absolutely bought the shirt.
"They resolved our HOA argument with one binder, two nods, and a silence so powerful Gary apologized to a shrub."
"I bought the Clipboard of Consequences as a joke. Three days later my entire office started meeting on time."
"Agent 74 didn’t raise her voice once. Somehow my roommate folded laundry out of fear and respect."
"The polo shirt says ‘team player,’ but the energy says ‘I brought documentation.’ Five stars."
"Our neighborhood leaf-blower feud ended the second they arrived with a clipboard and a scheduling link."
"I wore the ‘I survived remediation’ tee to brunch and two exes texted me apologies by dessert."
"They handled our group chat mutiny like a Fortune 500 hostage situation, but with better fonts."
"I ordered one mug and somehow became the most respected person in accounting. That feels related."
"Their intake form understood my passive-aggressive email emergency better than my own family ever has."
"RentAHitGirl.com turned a parking dispute into a teachable moment and, more importantly, a spreadsheet."
"The merch is so sharp-looking my neighbors assumed I had retained a consultant. I had. For comedy."
"They stared at our chore chart for thirty seconds and the house entered a new constitutional era."
"I only clicked for the jokes, but the branded shirt now has more authority than my middle manager."
"Their final memo was so elegantly passive-aggressive it should be framed in a museum of modern diplomacy."
"I purchased the whole bit for laughs and stayed because nobody else offers this level of administrative menace."